Friday, February 27, 2015

Purpose

What purpose have I been
in this lifetime
that threatens to consume
what little there is that is left of me

How could you leave?
I begged for you to take care of yourself
I am angry that you did not do this
I am angry that I am left alone without you

I miss your voice
the way you held me at night
your way of making me laugh
even if I was upset or angry

I loved that you knew me best
understood me
and now there is no one I can call
or turn to who can accept me for this

I hate that we had so little time here
it was not enough
what am I supposed to do now?
I feel broken again
pointless to put pieces together

I felt loved and accepted by you
it was unconditional
I hope that God truly
accepts me in the same way

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Tears and Ice

Today the frozen trees
remind me of visible ghosts
a strange haunting
fog clinging to the icicles
we were here last year
in a similar storm
laughing at the Southerns
who rarely see ice or snow
Rick driving as we passed
various adults and children
riding laundry baskets and cookie sheets
on the frozen earth
I feel stuck, like I am the frozen tree
nothing beautiful to offer
and feeling like a ghost of myself
He feels like an echo in my heart
mine barely beating
bleeding tears from my frozen limbs

Monday, February 23, 2015

Us

Dear Rick Page
I will hold you
safe and strong
in my secret heart
you will always be young
I will hold you close
my constant reminder
of unconditional acceptance
when I miss you most
I picture us gliding on salt marshes
in our kayaks
secretly searching for the shy blue heron or white egret
we are silent in our world
peaceful and calm
where you are cherished and remembered
I wanted to call you today
to tell you another gallery loves OUR work
I could feel your smile
because you already knew
and your whisper as always
I am your shell seeker and watch over you

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Say Something

I would have given everything I possessed
material and spiritual
to have made that day on the beach different
If we are lucky and find the right one
we become one person
and our lives are so entwined
that verbal communication is hardly necessary
There is Nothing I would not have done
to make that day on the beach different
except, some miracle would have happened
and the people who extended every energy they had
would have saved you
selfish me. wanting you to be here longer
daily remembering of what I have because of you
Love, Acceptance and Grief
I dread going to bed without you
except the dog you chose
Indigo faces me nightly
to wash the tears from my face
sometimes I think,she is you
soft paw on my face
a quiet sigh and she tries to calm me to sleep
She chose you, and now she chooses me
a reminder to rest and face another day
with resilience and fortitude and above all
my main goal to make you proud and
to feel that I am worthwhile saving  with your grace and comfort

Friday, February 20, 2015

Please Stay

I begged you on the beach that day
please stay, don't die
I will fall apart without you
I knew the moment that you kneeled
in the sand and shells
that your beautiful heart
had stopped beating
I watched the rise and fall
of the people who tried so desperately
to help you
I watched completely helpless and also hopeless
I wanted another 40 years of love with you
My heart broke with yours on the beach too
Begging you to stay was not enough
Sometimes
not matter what we do, it is not enough

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Angels

Sometimes we are sent angels
we do not always recognize them
sometimes they look human
or the flight of a bird reminds us
of their presence
today an angel visited me
and told me a story of how his life was 5 years ago
that a stranger had given him $100 just as a gift
this person who came today
is actually a friend of yours
someone who wants to put in a window for me
he told me of the gift he got 5 years ago
to my astonishment
he handed me $500
and told me to finish the room that RIck and I had started
I can't get over being astonished
that a complete stranger would reach out like that to me
I know the lesson is
to be more like this person
I will do my best

Thank your for sending both carpenters my direction......our chance meeting on the beach this summer has led me to believe that nothing is really chance after all

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Strong

At first I thought
I must make Rick proud of me
show my strength
muddle on through
now I find shells in unlikely places
like reminders
don't do it the same way
try approaching it from a different angle
don't forget to include me
as I will always help you even when I am no longer seen
so now I see
I can be strong
and still ask for help
Love is everywhere
and people can be generous
just because they want to be
I want my purpose
to become more like them