Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hope

It is finding our people
the ones who know us best
accept us for all we are
and for all we are not
they become part of our heart family
Some will surprise you by their presence
others, you may have expected
do not show themselves at all
so our family is changing
as we change in swimming through loss
what we must remember
are those who are gone
have also helped to make us who we are today
who we are becoming tomorrow
we are softer, more compassionate
and the love we felt will always
hold strength in our hearts and minds
when we are done
we can look through our pages
and we will continue writing our book of love

Friday, March 6, 2015

Light

While seeking out the Light
I so desire from each day
Reminders of his Love
face me constantly
miniature shells I have on the mantle
no dusting away of the
tiny, shiny particles of sand
Tonight, without him present
in a physical way
we are still sharing and showing our work
I will look for the Light
seeking this intangible form
with him as my guiding heart
Missing him no less on this day

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Acceptance

Today I picked pockets
full of shells
and slivers of hope
showed through the holes
in my work pants
the dogs were full of joy
and I blew Rick a kiss
on the spot on the beach
where the beaver found him
taking him to the greater
place in the sky
For the first time
in two months
the sea shells sparkled with
light and love
I imagined his hand touching mine
leading me towards my word of the day
acceptance

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Friends

Sorry it took so long to respond to this. Work has been crazy and
Douglas takes over my computer in the evenings. I have him on Cyn's
computer now for as long as that lasts. 

As far as the Doctor's appointments:  I am looking forward to getting
all the testing done. I missed a Sonogram on my stents once and never
rescheduled it. They can do that in latrobe now so no driving into
Pittsburgh, that's great by me.  I am always amazed by my blood
pressure. With as much stress and anxiety I am in, it's never high.
Don't know what that's about but it's one less thing to worry about.
At least for now.

I know money was a stressing point for Rick as was your needing things
to happen "now". But Rick also knew you. Knew how to handle those
things and not let it consume him. While making sure it did not
consume you. He truly did find his center. He worked to be balanced
and he was. You were the biggest part of that. Without you in his life
he would of had no balance. I am very proud of what he was able to
achieve in finding that balance in life.

I think of Rick every day as I know you do too. I think of the things
I'd like to say. The things that were not always spoken but, mutually
felt. But I can't now. Those things will have to wait until I see him
again. I am  still having problem with the crying. Everytime I start
to leave it go. It's like the tears and pain are being yanked back out
of my reach. I still feel it's Rick doing that. He's not letting me
fall off that emotional cliff. It's nice to know I am being watched
out for but, it's also building up inside. I need to find an outlet
for that.

I am also so very thankful for finding you at 7 Springs. A
non-judgmental friendship is not easy to find. Being able to be me and
have it be enough is the best feeling in the world. I will always be
here for you no matter what.

I need to get of 7 springs, that is for sure. Tired of this type of
work. It's not fun anymore. I like the people and even the place
sometimes but, the job is too stressful. Not sure what else to do
though. Cyn and I keep talking about options. I don't think it would
take too much to get her to move. Just have to see what happens. We
had a guy stop over the weekend and he is interested in buying
property in the area. Cyn has his number. Don't know where that will
go, if anywhere.

I am amazed Douglas let me sit here and type without bugging me to use
my computer. 

Are you flying or driving back for your 2 month stay?

Begs to be repeat; I will always be here for you no matter what.


Love you,
Danny

.






-----Original Message-----
From: Martha Murphy [mailto:m3@wakingbearstudio.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2015 6:01 PM
To: Dan Sarver
Subject: some thoughts

Like you I have so many thoughts and sometimes it drives me crazy not
being able to turn everything off.  First and foremost, I am glad to
know you are making an effort to get a Dr. appointment and get
yourself checked out.  You are doing this for yourself and your
family.

Secondly, although I may not know everything about you and Rick, I
knew a pretty good history and I loved you both anyway.  We are human
and full of mistakes and forgotten promises.  We redeem ourselves by
trying not to cross those typical choices again.

I wish I knew better what I know now and that my stressing about money
and making it here was probably hard on Rick.  That was never my
intention and often Fear takes hold of me and it is hard for me to not
let this happen.

Your coming down to pick me up and drive back down with me was a gift
I can never repay.  It was thoughtful and kind and I might not have
been able to do it by myself.  It is scary sometimes being alone and I
don't want to feel scared.

I am planting 13 blueberry bushes next week to honor our goals of
making things work here.  I like the number 13 as in a positive light
it means.....New Beginnings.  I am hopeful for new beginnings here and
in my heart, I do believe that your brother had a purpose in getting
me here.  We did have 7 wonderful months that I will cherish in my
memory bank.  I loved your brother for so many reasons, mostly that he
helped me to feel okay about myself and that he was so supportive with
my family.  I regret that there will be no contact with Linda and that
is not my choice.

I hope for you and Cyn, that you both find some happiness and
stability coming your way.  I pray for you and Rick every night
because I have never felt judged by either of you.  I miss the thought
of your being able to come here and spend time with Rick.  I am just
glad this past summer you came down with us and we were a family for
that time.  It was good to see both of you together. Forgive him and
yourself and you will become so much lighter and brighter.  You were
my friend (my one and only really) and got me through my times at 7
Springs.  Thank you for helping me get through this with Rick.

Love

Martha

Mirror

I watched a documentary tonight
about a real, live
horse whisperer
Buck grew up in a violent household
turned to horses
and become the opposite of his father
he says
a horse is a mirror of your soul
and so I think of Rick's horse
so full of love
after his initial life of hunger and fear
it did not take long until
he truly became a mirror
to all the things Rick was inside
that gentleness and kindness
that is so rare to find these days
All the things we gave up
to come here and begin again
a time so brief and yet brimming with lessons
Those moments and then months of time
and I can only hope to become
a mirror to Rick Page
the reflection of his higher self
and most of all, his unconditional love and acceptance
for that goal
I will persevere

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Miakoda

I think of going back to PA
how hard it is to imagine
my husband's horse Miakoda (power of the moon)
never knowing the soft touch
or whisper of Rick Page
I can recall like yesterday
this young painted colt
abused and hungry
walking up to Rick with trust in his horse heart
Watching Glenn a horse trainer
and his wife, my friend, Ginny Brown
putting the two of them in a round pen together
It was like watching magic happen
Miakoda's large eye on Rick
Their movement together
until they walked as one
no halter, no lead rope
Beautiful body communication without words
Miakoda was Rick's 40th birthday present
he claimed this horse was the best gift ever
Watching the connection
was a mystery and somehow made me love Rick more
Later, there was always that magic
Miakoda knew Rick's truck
and would be at the gate in an instant
waiting for the rustle of the peppermint
that Rick would hide in his pocket
It will be hard to go back to PA
whisper in a horse's heart
your owner is not coming back
but he will watch over you
until it is time for you two to be together once again

Ambush

I feel almost everything I see
is a form of ambush
bringing together
memories I try
to hold at bay

Your invisibility
is the reminder that I am unable
to accept you will not be coming back
I would do anything if I could only change that

Please know how I hold you
in my heart and memories
I hope you know how much
I love and loved you