Dreaming

When they say this is the new norm
I don't really understand
it still just feels like he is away
but will come home soon
sitting on the couch
my urge is to reach for his hand
instead Indigo sneaks up like a sniper
finding her way into my lap
Moses follows me to my side of the bed
where I cannot help the tears
that come
he quietly puts his head in my lap
I touch Rick's box of ashes like a talisman
light sage and blow it gently for both of us
say my nightly prayers
whispering like my mom used to do
sweet dreams, I will see you in the morning

Osprey at the outdoor shower

Since I have come back to North Carolina for the last three late afternoons when I go to take my outdoor shower overlooking the pond, an Osprey has flown and landed each time in the tree on the other side of the pond.  I looked up the meaning and it is:  - The osprey is connected to all aspects of solar worship. And can come into one's life to emphasise the value and healing properties of the sun, and to help those who practice mystically or spiritually to facilitate sun-god communion.

- An osprey doesn't wait for the fish to jump out of the water to meet him, instead he splashes in headfirst into an element that he could not survive within. He even places his head under the water - unlike sea-eagles. He teaches us how to plunder our resources and the necessity to move outside of our comfort zones in order to do this. Osprey teaches us to take risks, and to not be frightened of grasping opportunities just because they seem like they're out of our reach.

- An appearance of osprey in your life can indicate an appearance of the spirit in the form of the Beacon, coming to guide you back to a place of safety or security, or to a feeling of groundedness.

Gifts

Feeling fragile and vulnerable
for the past 4 months
and now I think I need to look at the word Loss
I want and need to change that to Gain
to work towards not concentrating so much
on his not being here in a physical presence
rather, I want to retain all the things he gave to me
wanted me to see and feel
Realizing that LOVE without conditions
is truly a gift and not a loss at all
He helps make my heart bigger,
more compassionate
and best of all
he is truly in everything I do
a beautiful gift that I am truly
grateful for, especially when a child's
drawing of an angel appeared on my desk
underneath...Be Happy
so like him to show himself again
Some people call them God Winks
I love getting these

Surprise

Today Rick showed himself through a small first grader
I introduced myself as Ms.Murphy 
and this youngster said, Hi Ms. Murphy but after that
referred to me as Murph
I have not been called Murph since December 28th 2014 by Rick Page
what makes this so unusual
is that the art teacher said this child rarely speaks in class
and if he does, he has a stutter
5 times he called me Murph
and never once a stutter
Had a beautiful dinner with the B and B owners tonight
on the river
I feel I can gather my strength
and make it through this week
what brings me instant joy is painting again
and thinking of walks on the beach with the dogs
seeing friends
and giving and receiving LOVE
huge baskets of overflowing LOVE

Mirror

Long day of painting
midnight blue Indigo colors
covering cement block walls
with secret nocturnal animals
shyly coming out from behind the trees
I hear the teacher Mrs. Kepler talking about
how to recognize birds
so I paint a horned owl on a tree limb
two bears rest quietly in the violet night grasses
tomorrow we add some constellations to the evening sky
and perhaps a bat or two
my right shoulder aches from painting for 7
straight hours
the purple stains on my hands
just a reminder of a day well spent
dinner with faculty
where we laugh because the smallest
child has littered the floor
with Pepperidge farm gold fish
I am amazed at Liz the art teacher
who handles that two year old well
and is still amazed at the progresses
of Wade, her second son who ran
today in the special Olympics
he hugs his 2 year old brother Hank
while showing the bite his younger sibling has given him
Wade holds the door and whispers
bye Ms. Mercy...a close call to Ms. Murphy
Tonight I am grateful for the miracle of Wade
and how a family can make it through
thick or thin and hold it together
I hope to mirror them in some ways

Sweet Dreams

Two years ago
I spent the weekend
at this b and b with friends
and Rick Page
It was spring time and although optimistic
ended up riding our bikes through a sleet storm
We had wine and cheese and hot showers
I am here at the same b and b
teaching and staying in the same room
On my way back from school
I felt his loss as I always do
no phone call to see how the day went
just salty tears to remind me
that grief is real
it comes unexpectedly
I am staying in a beautiful place
without him
It seems impossible that I no longer have him
I do though have our shared dreams and aspirations
He is just visible in my heart and thoughts
I will do all I can to make both of us proud of
who we were and who we are
Always wishing you sweet dreams

New

We never really get over devastating loss. In the thick of it, we almost stop breathing; sometimes even wishing we could. And we know deep within that we will never be the same. Yet, one day we feel the sun on our face again. We find ourselves smiling at a child or a joke or a memory. And at that moment, we realize we are finding our way back. Changed forever? Yes. But also softer, deeper, more vulnerable and more loving too. And we are breathing again.

Pottery

My friend Kate 
in offering her home to me
for the next little while
surprised me with a piece of pottery
wood fired so many years ago
and signed
To Martha, Love Rick Page
I had carved Oak leaves in the piece
and I realized it is the only pottery
I can call my own made by him
Kate says to fill it up with all my happy moments
here in PA
contented dogs
smiles from children
calls from NC asking when I am coming home
they say home is where the heart is
every visit to the beach, I will listen for the rhythm of his heart
pushing me to keep on going
to create my new home with new family
in this dawning of the age of Aquarius
I remain ever grateful for those who help me
and also, those who show me
that I too can become stronger
living it day by day

Humble

I am humbled by the thought of new beginnings
a little fearful
and then I was reminded today
by a dynamic, young, blind girl
that life is a journey
not a destination
India Scott
in your beautiful way
you reminded me that life is a gift
that each day is a present
to face your fears
like a fierce tiger
and to make every stumbling block
into a stepping stone
your gift to me today
was not just what you made for me
but how I honored I am to have made you my friend
You have the soul of a wise person
I can only hope to continue
to learn all the things
you translate with love and truth

Happiness

I never imagined
how difficult this trip could be
and yet, being at the schools
has been my best therapy
one fifth grade student wrote"
Art inspires me to express how I feel
When I do art I feel at peace
When I know I created something amazing
it makes me really excited and happy
when I do art, all I feel are happy thoughts."
Every day, I hold out hope
that this will come back for me too
All I was just a few months ago
has been such a change
Each grain of truth from these children
leads me to believe that I will be able
to find my place again
It feels like torture now
and the going home
no red truck in the drive
and only the sense of our having
belonged there together
I want to be filled up with happy thoughts
just like a fifth grade student again

He is Here

I saw him yesterday
in the eyes of his best friend
we took a sauna
and I felt him with us
Jeff has blue eyes
but when he asked me to look
into his eyes
they were dark brown
just like Rick's eyes
and I asked
he is here with us isn't he?
Jeff laughed
and said of course
Jeff told me
it is time to start thinking about
purposeful healing
a looking inside myself
to see what is broken
yet all can be repaired
on my way home
Indigo spotted deer
in a field
we stopped for a moment
none of us afraid
then Indigo put her head on my shoulder
licked my ear
and we were on our way

Dreams

Each night
I pray
that the game Rick and I played
before going to sleep 
will happen for the night
I would ask him to tell me our love story
most times he just laughed
and said, you know that story by heart
then I might suggest
we meet in our dreams
go snorkeling like we did in the West Indies
finding a complete world
of silence and miracle fish
pointing our fingers to show each
other a new find in the quiet Mediterranean seas
so each night
I dream the dream we shared
sometimes I see him in the distance
swimming strong and sure
dreaming of these reunions
is a way to keep my love
buried deep in my heart and memory
it is our special reunion
one I can paint each night
before sleep takes over
sending blessings to those who have lost
but also won